There are a lot of crazy drivers out there. There’s also a lot of lunatics driving cars. How do you tell the difference between the crazies and the loonies? Simple! The lunatics are the ones with stickers all over their cars.

I’m not talking about a couple of bumper stickers. I’m talking about people who go the whole nine yards with bumper stickers, full-window decals, and cardboard billboards on the top of their car. You know what I’m talking about. These people have a cause and they’ve dedicated their cars to promoting it!

Lunatic drivers can be broken down into three sub-categories: Political Activists, “The Government Took My Home” guys, and the Criminally Insane.

Political Activists
Political activists are just what you’d expect. Their cars usually sport many, many different messages for a variety of different causes. The irony is that their opinions will have virtually no impact on these causes in the global scheme of things because a lot of them don’t vote! Typical messages on a PA’s car include “Free Tibet,” “Israel assassinates women and children,” “Impeach Bush,” and “MEAT: It’s what’s rotting in your colon.”

There’s nothing really wrong with having an opinion on any of these things, but plastering your car with this stuff is an open invitation for ridicule and arguments with total strangers. And also it labels you as a political activist! I wouldn’t consider that to be a badge of honor, but I guess some people would.

“The Government Took My Home” Guys
These guys started out normal. They came from loving families and man they had it all – a promising career, a great wife, maybe even a kid or two. They were living the American dream. Then, somewhere, it all went horribly wrong. Maybe they lost their life savings in the dot-com crash. Maybe they came home to find their wife in bed with the pool boy. Maybe they tried cocaine at a party and couldn’t let it go. Whatever the case, one thing led to another, bills didn’t get paid, property was seized, and at some point the government got involved.

“The Government Took My Home” guys pretty much stick to that one message. You’ll find it written on nearly every window of their car. Of all varieties of lunatics, these guys are the most likely to put plywood billboards on the top of their car, usually with a huge photo of their [seized] home and a rambling essay about their battle with the red-tape bureaucracy of the IRS. These are usually handwritten in chicken-scratch that’s all but illegible from more than three feet away. Keep your distance from these guys. They are possibly the most unpredictable car lunatics you’re likely to come across.

Criminally Insane
The criminally insane probably shouldn’t be driving at all. They’ve mastered the art of suppressing all but one personality, we’ll call him “Dave”, upon entering the DMV. Dave is a smooth talker with 20/20 eyesight and he thinks he’s a retired driving instructor. The folks at the DMV all love him – he gives high fives all around on his way out – but by the time he gets home he’s hungry enough to eat the flesh off of no less than three of the human body parts he’s been keeping in the freezer for the past year.

The criminally insane mainly drive absolutely beat-up cars from the early 80s that look like they’ve been salvaged from a junkyard. They’ve dedicated their life to covering every square inch of it with any sticker they can find. If any part of the car’s original paint job is visible then the voices start up again and demand blood sacrifice. Oh god the voices.

So in conclusion if you must put a bumper sticker on your car, keep it clean and keep it tasteful. If you’ve got more than one or two stickers on your car, I’d say you should probably take a long look in the mirror and ask yourself what your priorities are. Is your car a sophisticated and elegant personal transportation device, or is it simply a vessel for you to spread your crackpottery to the world? The choice is yours!

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