At the wedding I went to last weekend I think the 60-something bartender was maybe a little retarded. That didn’t stop her from throwing plenty of attitude, though.
I walked up to the bar and ordered a Tanqueray martini. She looks me straight in the eye and goes “I only have gin.” Tanqueray IS gin. 99% of the alcohol that enters my body is Tanqueray so as you can imagine this was another monocle-popping moment for me. It killed me because I KNEW there was a bottle of Tanqueray back there. I SAW it.
I looked at her crooked and went “Huh. Okay. A gin martini then.” She was, after all, the guardian of the liquor at this open-bar event, and so I wasn’t about to get on her bad side.
She then proceeded to make me a martini on the rocks stirred with well gin in a motherfricking highball glass. Who does that? She didn’t ask if I wanted it over ice, and I don’t even think she had a shaker with her.
That’s when I remembered – most people are idiots and don’t know what they’re doing.
And so I now present “Drinking Gin Like a Civilized Human Being,” the first in a three part series that will explain the proper way to prepare three of my favorite drinks.
Part 1 of 3
Gin and Tonic
Today we’ll learn how to make a Gin and Tonic. A properly mixed gin and tonic is like a delicious lime soda, and the quinine in the tonic should help you out of a jam if you ever contract malaria. And you will – espeically if you keep living the way you have been, you filthy, filthy animal.
We’ll need gin, tonic water, and a lime! And we’ll also need you to pretend that you are living in a British colony in India during the 17th century, the birthplace of the gin and tonic. What what!
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Fill an old-fashioned glass 2/3 with ice, then fill half the glass with gin. Quite right, admiral!
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Top ‘er off with tonic water. Pip pip, cheerio, and all that rot.
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Throw a lime on the edge for garnish. Quite right, quite right.
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Admire this for several seconds, then squeeze the lime into your drink and toss it in. Fit enough for the Queen, gov’nah!
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Coming up tomorrow in part two of this riveting web series – a delicacy from South Central Los Angeles makes its way to your neighborhood. Stay tuned!