At the wedding I went to last weekend I think the 60-something bartender was maybe a little retarded. That didn’t stop her from throwing plenty of attitude, though.

I walked up to the bar and ordered a Tanqueray martini. She looks me straight in the eye and goes “I only have gin.” Tanqueray IS gin. 99% of the alcohol that enters my body is Tanqueray so as you can imagine this was another monocle-popping moment for me. It killed me because I KNEW there was a bottle of Tanqueray back there. I SAW it.

I looked at her crooked and went “Huh. Okay. A gin martini then.” She was, after all, the guardian of the liquor at this open-bar event, and so I wasn’t about to get on her bad side.

She then proceeded to make me a martini on the rocks stirred with well gin in a motherfricking highball glass. Who does that? She didn’t ask if I wanted it over ice, and I don’t even think she had a shaker with her.

That’s when I remembered – most people are idiots and don’t know what they’re doing.

And so I now present “Drinking Gin Like a Civilized Human Being,” the first in a three part series that will explain the proper way to prepare three of my favorite drinks.

Drinking Gin Like a Civilized Human Being
Part 1 of 3
Gin and Tonic

Today we’ll learn how to make a Gin and Tonic. A properly mixed gin and tonic is like a delicious lime soda, and the quinine in the tonic should help you out of a jam if you ever contract malaria. And you will – espeically if you keep living the way you have been, you filthy, filthy animal.

We’ll need gin, tonic water, and a lime! And we’ll also need you to pretend that you are living in a British colony in India during the 17th century, the birthplace of the gin and tonic. What what!

Fill an old-fashioned glass 2/3 with ice, then fill half the glass with gin. Quite right, admiral!

Top ‘er off with tonic water. Pip pip, cheerio, and all that rot.

Throw a lime on the edge for garnish. Quite right, quite right.

Admire this for several seconds, then squeeze the lime into your drink and toss it in. Fit enough for the Queen, gov’nah!

Coming up tomorrow in part two of this riveting web series – a delicacy from South Central Los Angeles makes its way to your neighborhood. Stay tuned!

Leave a Reply