One of these days I’ll hang up my web hosting hat and become a mechanical engineer. I will do this for the sole purpose of inventing the ultimate massage machine thing.

My vision is simple! This device will attach to the top of any high-backed office chair. It will then have two kneady mechanisms that may resemble human hands, but may also just appear to be small metal appendages. These robot hands will rest on the shoulders of whoever’s seated in the chair, and they will deliver the most intense and ergonomically-correct shoulder and neck massage humanity has ever seen. It will be glorious. I get goosebumps just thinking about it.


I am amazed that the year is now 2006 and nobody has yet thought to invent or sell this product.

I could probably just hire some Thai lady to come in and stand behind my chair all day long, but her hands would probably get tired after a while and I bet she’d want to take bathroom breaks. Unacceptable.

That’s the beauty of my invention! It’ll never get tired, it won’t fart in my office, and you won’t have to pay it an hourly wage! And the massages it gives will be out of this world.

I’m just puttin’ this idea out there in case, you know, someone reading this is like “Hot damn! What a great idea! I’ve got the skills and I like your moxie, Brett. Let’s make this happen.” I will be an exclusive beta tester, and my new mechanical engineer friend will help me to live my dream of automated, high quality shoulder and neck massages.

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