Last night I finally had an opportunity to check out a world-famous cougar den – the Foxfire restaurant in Anaheim Hills.

We showed up after dinner and went straight to the bar because a friend’s band was playing that night.

Foxfire. Locally it’s known by many names.

Wrinkle Ranch.
Menopause Manor.
The Crotchfire.

All of these names turned out to be terrifyingly accurate.

I was prepared to see older women hooking up with younger men, but what I got was an all-out freakshow.

Sure, I saw plenty of “May-December” romances. I was expecting that. But they worked both ways – older women with younger men AND older men with younger women.

Some people there had aged gracefully, and some…had not.

I saw a woman in her 40s with a face like a man and hair like a warthog.

I saw a black man in his 50s with a package so big it looked like he took a crap in the front of his pants.

I saw a guy my age copping a feel on a good-looking woman old enough to have been his mother.

I saw people as old as my grandparents dirty dancing.

It was only a Thursday night and the place was packed. If you’re turned on by the mystique of an older lover and the faint scent of Preperation H wafting through the air, I cannot recommend Foxfire enough.

I’ve got so many freakin’ club/discount cards it’s insane. Vons, Ralphs, Sav-On, Petco, Petsmart, BevMo, you name it, I got it. They were making my wallet so enormous that I took them all out and now I keep them all together in my glove compartment and just take them out as I need them.

A better solution is to enter all of your club card numbers into the form at Just One Club Card. It’ll generate a printable wallet-card that contains all your account numbers and barcodes for you. Why hasn’t anyone thought of this before?

I’ll be honest. I don’t listen to the rock and roll that the kids listen to these days. You got your Radioheads and your Aerosmiths and your Pearl Jams and your Strokes and your White Stripes and what have you…but man those guys are just no good. Their rhythms just don’t speak to my SOUL, MAN.

However! Coldplay is the one band that has managed to melt my icy heart of rock. I don’t really know how it happened, but somewhere along the way I guess I started liking them.

So Chris Martin named his kids Apple and Moses. I’m willing to overlook that if they release another album as good as X&Y. White Shadows is a great song! Talk is just an old Kraftwerk tune but Coldplay added lyrics to it to make it BETTER!

For a while there I was raging against the corporate record making machine and just writing off all their artists as talentless digitally tweaked overengineered crapola…but they can and do pump out some good stuff from time to time. Coldplay is good stuff according to me!

Texas Hold ‘Em is coming to Xbox Live Arcade a week from today!

If you download it within the first 48 hours, it’ll be completely free! If you forget about it and wait too long the only thing you’ll get for free is the demo. Save yourself the ten bucks and set an alarm or something for next week!

Rumor has it that Hold’em may also support the Xbox Live Vision camera, so that’s something too.

Guess where we were last weekend!

Yessir we were in San Francisco for a super duper wedding! It happened on Saturday afternoon and the weather was pretty much perfect out at Crissy Field. Good food, good people, and good fun all around!

Friday afternoon when we landed at the airport in San Francisco we were pretty hungry. It was Tammy’s birthday and we had plans for a fancy dinner after we got to the hotel.

We went to Chaya and ate like kings. I got the rib-eye and Tammy had the seared tuna fillet. We also started with a Red Dragon Roll sushi appetizer which was so good we almost considered cancelling our orders and just getting sushi. Luckily the food was fantastic and the service was top-notch! Tammy finished finished everything off with a glass of dessert wine and I even had a snifter of Courvoisier! I’m smoove like that.

Chaya is right on The Embarcadero which means it also has a great view of San Francisco Bay and of the Bay Bridge. It was very romantic!

By the time we finished our dinner the sun had gone down and it was still pretty comfortable outside, so we decided to walk back to the hotel rather than take another cab. It was a nice night and the hotel was less than a mile away, so we linked arms and headed south along Howard Street through downtown San Francisco.

As we turned past a dark corner I thought I felt someone brush past me. I didn’t think much of it until two seconds later when I felt something poke me in the back. A gruff voice from behind me said “Give me your wallet, Man. I ain’t jokin.”

I could feel Tammy tense up but I was one cool customer. At that point I just did what I had to. I reached into my pocket, pulled out my black sunglasses and put them on. I whispered “Not today motherfucker.” Not today.

I elbowed this guy in the stomach and felt his ribs break one after the other like ice cubes snapping in a glass of water. Before he knew what was happening I spun around and used the flat of my fist to uppercut his face into oblivion. Blood spurted from his flattened nose as he fell back onto the sidewalk, howling in pain. He was still moving though, so I roundhouse kicked him to the head, and a second time right in his junk. He lay in the street curled up, moaning in agony and I figured he had learned his lesson.

I turned to Tammy and said “Let’s leave this trash in the gutter where it belongs,” grabbed her hand, and turned to walk back to the hotel.

As we started walking away I heard the unmistakable flick of a switchblade. Without thinking I pushed Tammy to the right and I jumped to the left, just in time to avoid the tip of a three inch blade as it rushed through the air between us. I changed my stance with a quick hop, grabbed the arm holding the blade and twisted it back deep into the guy’s stomach, just as I had practiced a hundred times before. I pushed long and hard until the tip of the blade poked through his back, then I looked in his eyes and said “Now you’re starting to get the point” before releasing him with a flourish. He fell to the ground and I watched as his grey hoodie started to stain with the unmistakable deep burgundy that only a mortal wound can release.

At that point I knew I had the guy in a bad spot but he must have been high on crack or some shit, because he jumped up AGAIN, whipped out a .38, and started waving it around like nothing happened. Through streams of blood across his face and dripping spit he shouted “You gonna regret that, mothafucka! I’ll kill you!”

He pointed the gun at me but at that point he was pretty shaky and it looked like he didn’t have the strength to pull the trigger. In a situation like that you don’t really have time to think, so I grabbed a passing homeless guy’s brown paper booze bag and used it to whack the gun out of his hand. Finally he dropped to the sidewalk in pain and begged me to leave him alone.

I looked down on him with the streetlights behind me, paused for a minute, then said “Aww. Baby needs his bottle.” I yanked the bottle out of the paper bag and cracked it over the guy’s head. It shattered on impact and a few seconds later as he lay motionless on the ground a dizzying mosaic of red cuts began to appear across his face. “Looks like my 40 beats your 38.”

At that point this guy was done. Kaput. He lay sprawled on the ground in a quickly-growing pool of his own blood. It was then that I noticed the top of a rolled up $50 bill sticking out of his pocket. I picked it up and asked the lifeless body before me “Didn’t your mother ever tell you that crime doesn’t pay?”

Tammy and I didn’t say much on the way back to the hotel, but when we got to our room she looked at me quizzically and asked “Who ARE you, Brett Dunst?” To which I replied “I’m only a man.” I sighed. “A man who loves you.” Then I ripped off her dress and we made passionate love on the bed.

I may have gotten some of the details wrong, but that’s pretty much how Friday went.

I am annoyed about two things!

First! Who gives a crap about Mel Gibson! Seriously. Lots of people get DUIs every day. Why are we still talking about him? Everybody says stupid crap that they don’t mean when they’re drunk. Who cares!

Look at that face. He’s trashed! How could anyone take offense to anything that comes out of that mouth?

Also! It’s bad enough that we have to take our shoes and belts off in airport security, but now we can’t even carry toothpaste or bottles of unopened water on a plane! What the christ! I forsee a future where in order to board an airplane everyone must change into a TSA-provided unitard. Changing stations at all airports will be provided and your original clothes will be sealed in plastic bags and thrown in with the rest of the luggage. Your only inflight entertainment will be a copy of Skymall and the GameBoy that you smuggled up your butt prior to boarding. That is not a future that I look forward to!

DS Link is the first DS flash cartridge that fits entirely in the DS’s DS game slot. You won’t need to put anything at all into Slot 2! It even uses MicroSD/Transflash cards so you can load up with up to 2 gigs of games! Whoops, I meant ‘homebrew applications’. Yeah.

What’s the catch? Well there’s two, actually. First, it won’t play GBA roms. DS only. Second, it won’t act as a passkey – you’ll need to flash your firmware with Flash Me to make it work.

With that in mind, it still looks promising! DS Link goes on sale at the end of the month.

If you can’t wait that long and GBA games are important to you, the Supercard Lite is available now!

Swift is a browser for Windows that uses Safari’s WebKit rendering engine.

I just installed it, and being an early alpha it doesn’t seem to support http authentication or https! Soo…pretty useless for me.

Might be worth watching, though!

Listen to me, Internet. Something strange is going on.

Check out the picture on informationsociety.us.

WHO ARE THOSE PEOPLE? I recognize Paul Robb in the red hair… But Morrissey Jr., that blonde girl and the other guy are new to my eyes.

Is Information Society COMING BACK with three new members? The last I heard was that Kurt Harland bought the rights to the band’s name years ago and hasn’t done anything with it recently. (He also took the Insoc sound to a strange and embarrasing gothic/industrial place, but that’s another story for another day.)

Maybe Paul bought the rights back from Kurt and is going to resurrect the classic Insoc sound? Maybe? I hope? Who knows! You read it here first!

—

Oh wow. Five minutes of e-research gave me the answer I was looking for!

Information Society reformed on May 1st. Their Myspace blog REVEALS ALL!

Did you know that it’s possible to unlock just about anything with a keyhole in less than a second without doing any damage to the lock? I didn’t either! All you need is a keyring full of ‘bump keys’ and a hammer. You don’t need any special training and you don’t need a lockpick set.

This video shows how easy it can be.

This is pretty scary. You can grab a set of five bump keys for less than $10 on ebay.